The power of choice is immense. My favorite saying through the course of my treatment was: We can’t choose what happens to us but we can choose who to be in spite of it.

I’m not saying that all my choices have been right at all but what I am saying is no matter what I have always chosen to face the consequences.

I have chosen responsibility. I have chosen accountability. I have chosen to look at myself dead in the eye in the mirror and acknowledge my part, I have looked straight at the pain… I have walked into the darkness… I have stood in the furnace… I have been on my knees throwing up blood thanking God.

So I don’t think anyone has an excuse. We all get to choose who to be and if you know who you are that changes everything.

And as weak as the world calls you out to be… It’s not about what they say it’s about what you choose to believe, and if you choose love and freedom and joy and to stare into the face of a really horrible situation and call is out as a lie you choose freedom.

Enabling isn’t freedom… Enabling is rooted in FEAR because enabling comes from a need and a deep desire to control other people to love you and to somehow feel like you are in control of a situation that is out of control. Enabling isn’t freedom but GRACE is. Forgiveness isn’t staring into something dark and agreeing that it’s ok… Forgiveness is looking at something that is clearly wrong and saying you are loved anyway in spite of it… Freeing yourself from the responsibility of feeling someone else’s pain and to let go and allow them to experience the consequences of their own choices. Each person has 100% freedom to CHOOSE who they decide to be in any given situation.

Since age 17 I have been abused in so many different ways. I have been threatened to be hit, I have been stalked, I have had someone pull a lighter on me and look like they wanted to set me on fire, threaten to hit me over the head with a baseball bat. I have had places where I have been demoralized and demonized and victimized but I do not see myself as a VICTIM. I am not a VICTIM of my circumstance. My circumstance is just what I have walked through and who I am depends not on what has happened to me but on what I chose to be IN SPITE of what has happened to me. Who I chose to become in spite of everything that people have said about who they think I am.

Sometimes when you’re different people like to bring you down because they are AFRAID of your LIGHT. Sometimes when you’re different people like to destroy your faith because they have none. They try to destroy it because you have something they don’t. Sometimes this world needs people to be DIFFERENT.

Maybe you don’t fit the box anywhere… That doesn’t matter.

We are children of LOVE. We are LOVED and are creating love. There’s no good reason to attack someone for being who they are.

We talk about bringing heaven to earth. We talk about love that exceeds human limitation. Bringing light to darkness. It’s interesting because I personally feel that when people love like God there is no judgement, there is no pain, there is love, there is just unconditional love that brings you to your knees with overwhelming love and humility. Black and white turns to color.

Grace is not something that makes you feel defective. Grace is love.

It’s funny because sometimes when you stare at what you don’t want that’s what becomes your reality. We create this amazing place. Sometimes the problem is that we don’t know that we are so powerful. We don’t know that the law of attraction is real. Gratitude before the fact creates an abundance in your life.

Thankyou by Alanis Morissette is an amazing song on gratitude. It’s about an encounter she had with humility. A realization song on awakening the spirit. That in this finite world you cannot sustain ego. That eventually your ego shatters. Eventually you die or what you love is taken away from you but gratitude before and after the fact creates a joy in spite of everything. This immense peaceful shalom of joy that sits in the blood stream and moves through your entire being and becomes a reality of light. An infinite joy that creates life and light. What we fight in this world isn’t people it’s a constant balance between light and dark, good and bad, and hate and love.

They give it different names but it all stems from FEAR. Wherever there is FEAR there is darkness and wherever there is LOVE there is LIGHT. What you focus on is where you go and what you feel depends highly on what you focus on. Remarkably you can change your whole experience by perspective.

I was going through a disease and sometimes it’s hard to lift yourself out especially when you’re on high dosage medication. However if I choose to focus on the love of God and things outside of the self the whole experience changes. If I think of what a victory over disease could say to other people or how you approached it could mean to others have strength when you are gone I see a reason. If I look at how this could raise awareness for someone else and how this could prevent someone else’s terror then I start to see purpose and when you see purpose behind pain there is less fear. When you see less fear bravery sets in inside you not for yourself but for other people.

When you find purpose in the darkness, in the madness, in the crazy earth shattering pain that can be broken humanity somehow there is PEACE.

The words that Jesus said dying on the cross were: Father forgive them for they know not what they do.

The amazing love of God. Even when he was being murdered he asked for God to forgive those who did it.

I remember one day I couldn’t even get out of bed. I felt like i’d been hit by a truck and my mind was in tatters, and my body was shaking. It’s very hard to explain to people who are healthy that from the inside out you are being destroyed by bugs and there’s nothing that anyone seems to be able to do about it.

The only thing that you can control in such an uncontrollable situation is WHO AM I. Who do I chose to be? In spite of the fact that I might die, in spite of the fact that I may never live a normal life, in spite of the fact that right now I am throwing up blood, in spite of that fact who am I? Who do I choose? What do I choose?

Over and over so many times I got on my knees and said God THANKYOU. Thankyou. Thankyou Father. I stared in the mirror at the darkness in myself and said thank you God. Saying I know I can’t choose what happens in this. I have no control. I give up my control. I surrender my control and place myself in a place of absolute humility.

When I cannot move, and when I cannot breathe properly I can choose to see breakthrough. When I cannot speak sometimes when I cannot think sometimes I can choose. When my body is shaking I get to choose to say that You are enough. I don’t need what everyone else has… You are enough. Your love is sufficient. Your stripes will heal me. I will be well by You. That it is not by MY strength because that’s not enough but God YOU are.

Some people could call me crazy because I talk to God.

But what other choice do you have? No one is making fun of God in a war zone or a hospital. What do you lean on when you have nothing? MY choice is God and so far I have never been let down there.

I’m not religious. I don’t believe in a horrible vengeful condemning God. I believe in the light of the world that lifts people up from darkness.

We all always have a choice. So who do you want to be right now? How do you want to use that power?

Start the year in the knowledge that we are ultimately love and incredibly powerful to create an amazing reality.

Thankyou- Alanis Morissette


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